For readers who are unaware of my work situation, I have worked full time for the same local business for over six years. Through each of my pregnancies, I've worked until the very end, took six weeks of leave, then returned in some capacity. I must credit my boss with always being willing to work with me, including creating insane schedules to suit my needs at home, so that I never had to pay for childcare. (I always said that if we had to pay for childcare, I may as well not work; I'd be working solely to pay for a sitter for three kids.)
My most recent schedule was adopted after I came back from having Eleanor, about one year ago. I've been working Tuesday-Saturday, 3:00 a.m. - 11:00 a.m. It's very simple, yet most people find it confusing, almost impossible to wrap their minds around. My typical day:
1:30a - Alarm goes off. Shower and dress.
2:00a - Leave for work, which is on the other side of town.
2:45a - Arrive at work, clock in.
3:00-11:00a - Work, mostly.
11:00a - Leave for home, crossing town again, this time with traffic.
12:00p - Arrive at home, relieve my MIL or Ross of kid duty, depending on the day.
12:30p - Feed Silas and EV lunch. Henry is at school.
1:00p - Start naps, hopefully. This part is unpredictable. If I can, I rest.
2:50p - Henry gets home. Silas is usually up by now.
3:00-4:30p - Break up numerous boy-fights. Eleanor wakes up.
4:30-5:30p - Try to make dinner. This part is also unpredictable.
6:00p - Ross is usually home by now.
6:30-7:00p - Finish dinner and clean up the kitchen. Hustle through any errands.
7:45-8:00p - Boys go to bed.
8:00-8:30p - Finish anything unfinished; laundry, dishes, etc.
9:00p - The absolute latest I want to be in bed. Ross puts EV to sleep.
1:30a - Wake up again. If I fell asleep immediately at 9:00, I slept less than five hours.
REPEAT
Although I try very hard to not complain about this schedule (which was an enormous blessing, really, a lifesaver), after several months, it started to wear on me severely. It became harder and harder to finish out the week. By my fourth day, I am a zombie. I get migraines, cluster headaches. All of my free "weekend" time when Ross is home, I grumpily try to catch up on sleep while he watches the kids alone. It's been impossible to plan anything social, because I don't want to spend any of my precious free time away from Ross. It pains me to be constantly on edge with exhaustion, unable to enjoy the few hours we have together every week. I miss him terribly. Ross perseveres in his saintly way, never complaining, always encouraging me, but my mood affects his mood. My patience with the kids wears thin. My patience with everything wears thin.
But I have a job. And I don't have to pay a sitter. We need the paycheck. We need the insurance. Compromise. This is only a season. I told myself these things, over and over. In and out of depression. Everything, strained. How much more can be compromised?
For some weeks, I've felt a change was coming. It needed to happen; in such a delicately balanced situation, when cracks begin to form in the foundation, inevitably the whole structure crumbles. In our current situation, change is a terrifying, but ultimately necessary, thing.
This week I turned in my resignation. My last day will be March 9.
Typing that letter was more difficult than I expected. I will be leaving the longest job I've ever held. I've been at this job more years than I spent in college! I started when I was single, dating Ross, not even engaged yet. I've practically lived there, my home away from home, often spending more waking hours with coworkers than my own family. I can't even imagine how to function outside of that world, which makes leaving both exhilarating and extremely anxiety-inducing.
I know that despite my aggravations, I will miss a handful of people. Those few were my support, my lifelines - they know me so well, they can practically read my mind - and I have appreciated them so much. I hope they understand, and I hope we stay in touch.
I likely won't discuss work very often, but I thought this insight would give you some perspective on my life, what my days are like - where I'm coming from, and where I'm going...
I don't exactly know that last part, by the way. But I'm stepping out in faith and ready to find out.
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